Generations - The Eternal Conflict

Many years ago I drew this picture...

This picture symbolizes the eternal conflict I have with my Dad. Well It's not a picture to say we don't get along. I guess it is one which says we always have different points of view.

As a child, I grew up in awe of my Dad, he is a brilliant man, someone whom anyone can look up to. Seeing my dad come up in his career, well that story is inspirational.

I have never wanted to enter my father's chosen career path, I have not wanted that life, but one thing that I do want to be like him is the work ethic, the way he has come up in life, with his own two hands. I want that for me too. I never really knew what I wanted to do with my life.. Maybe I still don't, But I have now reached a stage where I feel like I enjoy what I do, my job, though it may have it's ups and downs, though it may have the occasional day when I wonder what the hell is this. I really love it, and there is one thing that my dad taught me. Put in an honest day's work, when you put your head on the pillow in the night, if you have you will sleep well.

Over the years as I have grown up. I am in the 24th year of my life. I am no child any more. No one would say that. But some where, at some level, the fear of my father still exists. The eternal need for his approval, wanting to prove to him that I am capable of making something of myself.

Well, I am not sure if I am anywhere close to the goal of proving to him that I am capable, and that I can take good decisions in my life and in my own way be a success one day. But, I feel, I am at a stage where I should be able to talk to him openly about what I feel, what I want from my life, because, at the end of the day it is my life.. I need to live by my choices, Right or Wrong, mine to make.

This fear, so deep seeded that anything I ever wanted to tell my dad was through a letter, I never could speak to him. My weapon has been silence, I have used it so many times in my life, it comes to me too naturally. Silence though is wrong. the Silent form of protest is torture for the ones you love. I guess even though when I put my hand on a keyboard or a pen the words flow through, the conversations that matter never seem to leave my lips.
I'm no child anymore, I'm in love, i have been for many years now, I'm working, I'm a professional, I respect people I work with and I get the same in return as well. But, in front of Dad, I still sometimes feel like a child, and sometimes still throw my silent tantrum.


Well the reason I started writing this blog was to tell myself a few things. I'm not a kid anymore and I should stand up and say what I feel. I respect and admire my Dad a lot for what he has achieved in his life, but that is no reason for me to be scared of him. It's my life, I have to live it, and maybe make some of my own mistakes.

But, this blog has ended up more as a very personal account of my relationship with my father. A man I love, respect and admire, a man I need to learn not to fear, but to trust. I love my dad, I don't say it very often, It's true. This is a really new blog for me, never have I spoken about how I feel when I comes to my parents. They are my world.

Rahul.